Ugly Duckling

”Psst, hey, Maija!” someone hissed to me.

I commanded myself to look up, but only half of my mind wanted to obey my requirement, the other part where still stuck in my daydreaming out through the window.
When the whole me finally came even with my other brain-half, I could focus enough to realize that Marc's unavoidable desire-producing face was only inches from mine, and I tug myself back a bit in surprise.
“Oh, erh, yeah?” I whispered back.
“Me, Sam and Ariel are going to the ice cream place after school, do you wanna join us?” Marc asked.

I didn't know what to say, or rather, I had two alternative answers; “Sure, that would be chill, of course I'm in.”, was the first, and I would say it with an attitude, because Marc's friends is a little bit of an rough customers, oh, I didn't know about Marc, but still it could be smart to stay on the safe side and sound a little bit more confident then I really were, because if I presented myself insecure, I could get a little less respect then I wanted to. And for the second, this replying was influenced of that fact that Marc, possibly, were kind of a tough guy, he could be joking, to make himself funny over me in front of everybody else. So then I would say “A-ah, I can't, sorry.”
I made myself to not move my face meanwhile I consider if I should take the risk to humiliate myself and maybe have some fun with them, or if he really was playing with me and would turn me down. I could feel that it would be a painful fall without any rescuing hand that cough me if my apprehension was right. But, there where something in he's eyes... I couldn't exactly tell what it was, but somehow it help me decide.
“Sure, I'm in”

The whole day I had canceled and uncanceled with Marc and the others probably an handful of dozen times, well, in my head at least. In the real world had I barely talked to them, not because I was afraid, just a little, but because I didn't use to speak to people here. I was 'the new girl', no one ever expected me to talk to them. And that was pretty okay, I wasn't invisibly, not totally at least, but I didn't had any demands on me. Well, in the beginning it had been pretty uncomfortable, everyone had stared and hissed as I walked by the first two weeks or so. But when they finally realized that I wasn't a interesting, cool girl from a bigger town, but a little silent no one, it had calmed down. Until know... Why, oh why, had a couple of persons asked me to hang out with them, and not any people, the craziest and, I don't know if you could call them popular, but definitely most notice by the rest of the students.

From where I were standing, behind all the people in the crowded corridor, could I easily see Ariel, Sam, Marc and some others standing, laughing and talking. It didn't look like they were in a hurry, or had any ambitions to leave even although we already had finished school 10 minutes ago. Maybe they where waiting for something, or someone. Wait... Me? I should probably stop hiding behind the moving and colliding mass of people, and go to face my new friends... friends, was that the right word? Were they really friends with me? Okay, it doesn't matter Maija, for fuck sake! Sight. I should really get going.
I didn't know if I should play cool or if I should try really hard to be myself. I know that “popular” persons often used to look down on me. Maybe would they do that to me now, if I were myself? But no, I know that they were nice to. That was one of the reasons that I even had dared to say 'yes' in the first place.

But still the other little voice in my brain tickled and bulling around with me; 'Ohh... They can be mean, they can be thinking that you are an ugly little fool. Maija, you know they can be joking with you, they probably doesn't want to be with you at all.' The voice were wide of triumph and false kindness.
Ahh! I was going to die. I have to go over there and tell to them that I didn't have time, that I had to be babysitting my little brother... Uf, that would be even worse. Okey, Maija, let's go.

My legs started moving toward them and, to my dismay, much faster than I had hoped, I was there. Oh no, here it comes!

Marc was the first that notice my presence.

“Oh, hey Maija!” He said with a deceptive smile in the left corner of his mouth. It maid me an little bit insecure, because maybe he wasn't smiling because he was glad to see me, and they really where fooling with me, but I was settled to not blow my cover. And now, when I was already here, could I as might as well try to trust them and see what would happened. I decided that Marc's smile was an good smile. After all it did reach his eyes. Perhaps wasn't this going to be so bad after all. And then I caught Ariel's gaze at me.

I wanted to sink through the cold, massive stone floor. Ariel's eyes was full angry evil and if looks could kill, I would probably have been an smoking, gray pile of ash by now.

I shivered, but Sam and Marc seemed to be aware of Ariel's reaction and didn't actually care. So I chosen to act like them.
“Shell we go?” asked Marc with an bow and a out stretched arm. He smiled shrewd and his gorgeous face glowed.
I know he did it to be funny, but behind he's entertaining mask, I saw that he did meant it. The kindness.

I felt a little bit awkward to walk away with three persons that, in the first place, I didn't actually know, and in the other, I was wanted by half of them and hated from the rest. If they weren't.... No, it was not like that, I had promised myself. Well, I tried to go after my instincts and prayed a silent prey that I would come live out of this. And my instincts told me that I wanted to get away from Ariel's scary mood, and so I decided to walk beside Sam instead, that totally relaxed put one of his feet in front of the other. Along the sandy sidewalk that we now were heading on. I hadn't really spoken with any of Marc's friends before, I had barely spoken to Marc, but the others could might as well have been strangers. Sam and Ariel didn't go in my class, but in my parallel. So now, meanwhile I walked beside Sam, I hoped that I could get to know him better.

“Hi” I sad and looked up at him. He smiled.
“Hi” he replayed calmly.

You know when you get an first feeling about people? Some call it prejudice, but I see it more like, a hutch. Fore example; I mean, of course it can be an nice, big man that's just happens to take the same way as you home in an dark alley a cold, foggy night, but others would get 'an feeling' about this person and maybe turn of to a lighter, less dangerous and lonely road. It's that feeling that I mean. And right then, when I was walking beside this strange, tall, almost grown up boy, that had an beige-orange checked hat on top of his, I can't deny, pretty beautiful head, I liked him. He just radiated self-esteem and cosiness, he maid me feel better.
“Er... so, do you also have much to do now, huh?” I sad, groping.
“With what?” he answered with an interested look on he's face.

I wanted to smash my head into the closest wall, happily there weren't any. Of course he didn't understand what I was asking, I had only said the half sentence.
“Haha, oh, in school. I mean, homework and stuff. I have a mountain of schoolbooks at home.” I replayed with an excusing expression at my face, I hoped.

He smiled to show me that it was okay and little because of my muddle-head, but in a kind way.

“Aha, well, yeah, I guess we do have a bunch of things to do, but I have already done all this before” Sam said.
“Done it before? Why? Or.. when?” I asked confused.

“I went to another school before, I moved here last year” he explained. It surprised me, I was so sure that when you came to a new place where you going to be an outsider at least one year, but as much as I know, no one had never mentioned that Sam was a new guy. He seamed so self secure.

“But... then my... I got in to some trubble with some idiots in my class.” he continued. “And mum wanted to move.” He said it with an bit of ace in his voice, like he was missing something from back then and strongly regretted that it were different these days.

His honestly maid me thoughtful and I couldn't figure out something new to say to him. I was expecting a tick, embarrassing silence, but instead Sam started to laugh.

“Hey, shit happens, and now when we already are speaking about tragically stuff, how is it to be the drug-girl?”

He laughed his light, kindly teasing laugh again. Well, I suppose I have forgotten to tell you, my real name is Marijaana. Don't ask me how my parents could come up with a such a obviously bulled-around-for-the-rest-of-your-life-name, but they did. I know it isn't spelled exactly as the real drug, but it pronounces almost the same. I have heard a lot of comments about it trough my 17 years lifetime, and it will never stop, believe me. But I have learned to handle it, you know, when you have lived with something that long, it becomes a part of you, and suddenly it isn't a curse anymore. It's just life, and sometimes, I actually like my name. It makes my stand out quite a bit, so it can be both good and bad.
“Pretty okay, it's cool to walk around seeing flowers and strange colors that you foaks can't see.” I had even learned to joke about it without offend myself. I could feel that Sam understand my irony and we laughed together, it felt good. Suddenly I remembered Ariel and Marc. I tried to lean forward as nonchalant as I could, to see if something had change in Ariel's expression or if they maybe didn't care about us anymore.

Well, to my relief, they didn't pay any attention to us for the moment, and Ariel seemed to have calmed down.
She had long light-red hair in an really good-looking ribbon that made her already nice, clean face look even more outstanding. She had an light, yellow, cotton dress that ended right above her knees. She could just as well just have been cut out from an model-magazine. Against all the green grass and trees she glowed, no wonder Marc where staring at her. Yeah, Marc... He didn't look bad either. He had dark-brownish hair, maybe two inches long, that with some whirls ended in height with his sharp well shaped eyebrows. His face was, in opposite to Sam's kind, safe face, filled with shadows. He was also pretty tall, not quite as tall as Sam, but still three inches taller then Ariel, and now we haven't even mention me yet.
He had muscles, I knew that from our swimming lessons in class, but now could I only see them when his big dark-red t-shirt blew close to his body while he was walking beside Sam and Ariel in the warm may-breeze.
Together did they look really exceptionally, I could understand why everyone knew who they where. What were I doing here? I was probably about two thirds of Sam's length. I had half wavy, half strait, blond-brown hair, I wasn't especially thin or curvy. I was bleach, ordinary, not beautiful, no outstanding person, not in their way any how. The only special with me was my name, and that was often a bad 'special'.

We had almost arrived at the ice-cream bar in the middle of our little town, I could see all the crowding people and the long line winding out from the pay-office, when Marc suddenly appeared next to me.

“Hi Maija” He said with an delay in his soft voice, I waited for him to continue. “Ariel can't stay, she got to... do something at home” It sounded like he didn't really knew if he should lie or not. I guess that what I just heard was an lie, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear the truth, so I kept my silence.
“Your still in right?” He asked. I nodded, of course, now when one of the strongest reasons for me to be nervous disappeared, I could finally relax a bit. Marc smiled to me. The shadows in his face weren't deep, but they made his face mysterious, and handsome. He had brown eyes, with liquid red in it. I wonder if I ever seen that before, and if I'll ever would see it again. His eyes glowed, and smiled. And when I realized that he fixed them strait into my eyes, I felt my stomach flip. Shit, typical me! Not now, when I just got to know them, him, no, fuck. His eyes where still there, with that spellbinding gaze. The smile had fade a little, it was still there but it where less easy, more serious, killing me. No, not killing, challenged me, dared me. But why? I had leave the idea that they where bulling with me, but what was this? Did Marc even know what he was doing to me? Maybe he always did this to everyone when he looked them in their eyes. Or were it just me?

“Ice-cream time!” Sam broke the spell.

Marc's capturing eyes looked away, leaving my eyes devoted following his glance that caught the swelling sea of people in front of the ice-cream bar. He frowned.

“Uh, seriously, do you wanna stand in line for like one hour?” He asked us.
“Nope” said Sam.

“Me neither” I added.
Silence.

“Ariel?” Marc asked.
Still silence. We turned to look at her, without success. She was gone.
“When did she go?” Wondered Sam.

“I have no idea, I though she was talking to you.” Marc said, you could hear at his voice that he kind of blamed Sam for Ariel's disappearing.

“No, I was thinking about the demonstration last weekend for orphaned young seals in Malaysia.” Sam said thoughtful.
“But she can't just have... Sam... Orphaned seals in Malaysia? Since when did it live seals in Malaysia? That's on the equator.” Marc glared at Sam with skeptical eyes. I tried to hide a giggle behind my right hand.

Sam looked a bit ashamed that he couldn't answer to Marc's question, it seemed to me that environment questions and stuff like that where important to Sam.
“Uhm, I guess they have been wrong transported or something... Anyway, where are Ariel?” Sam divert the conversation from him back to an more comfortable direction.

“She said that she had to leave...” Marc said with something wrong in his tone again. “But I didn't though she would go without say bye. Maybe she's upset” He finished, not to worried.

“I'll go after her. I think I know where she went.” He gave Marc an insider look that I didn't even bother to try to understand. There were something in Sam's glance that showed both Marc's and Sam's sympathy for Ariel. And even if I hadn't get the best impression of Ariel, did I feel a little bit bad about my light jealously at her beauty and acrid clothes. Obviously something didn't make her life that perfect after all.
Sam just smiled to me and turned around, walking away over the grass to the part of town that I didn't use to go. When I thought about it, I had never even been there. I don't know why. I'm not the person that suddenly goes to places without an reason, but now you could I almost say that I had. Curiosity. I think I will go over there some day and find out what's about that place.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I snatched around and remembered that Marc where still standing behind me. He laughed to my reaction. His burning eyes where next to me again.

“Sorry” He smother his laugh behind his apologize.
I smiled a little embarrassed back, and felt how my cheek's burned.
Then he smiled towards me with a cute compassing smile Or, that's probably the wrong word. Marc didn't look cute, he where way to gorgeous to be described as 'cute'. But, if I could explain his expression, would it make my mouth melt, because that was what I did.
I inhaled deeply, and I realized that I had hold my breath. Small dark dots started to cover Marc's face. But the part of his face that I still could see changed and his compassionated smile became worried.
“Maija, are you okay?” I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I could feel his warm, stable arm around my waist. He helped me to lay down at the lawn. I looked up in the new leaf filled tree crowns where the birds were flying out and in. Marc placed himself beside me. He followed my gaze up in the trees and sighted.
“Do you wanna know a weird thing?” he asked, with an bit of regret.

His arm were still around my waist. I wondered if I squeezed it.

“Yeah, sure.” I answered.
“Ariel's left because of you.” He said. Oh no! I knew it! I closed my eyes and hoped once more this afternoon that I just could became a part of the air around me.

“No, it wasn't because of you, really not, I mean, it was because of me, but because of you. But it wasn't your fault.” He tried to explain. That meant that he had saw my grimace when he said that it was my fault that Ariel left. Uhh... He exhaled deeply and said:
“You can hate me as much as you want to now... but first we had just tough to deceive you, and left you waiting on us at the end of the day.” I could hear the deep regret in his voice, but I ignored it. I didn't wanted to believe what he just said. I felt ill.

“It's kind of an thing we have had for years...” he paused. “ But, it's so fucking idiotic. I don't understand it anymore. It's just brutal and evil.” I opened my eyes. There were the birds and the trees again... I leaned my head to the side, to Marc. His face was leaned exactly as mine, and I remembered to breath this time. Even trough that the view of him was breath-taking.
I could feel his smell, it was sweet but natural. And I recognized it. It was exactly like when you haven't smelled a smell you really loved in an eternity of time, and you didn't remembered that you missed it, until it touch your senses again, and suddenly you can be back at that place, time or with person that the smell belonged to.
But I had never smelled this sent before. Still I knew I had aced it a really long time.
His deep, liquid red-brown eyes melted together with the black hole in the middle that revealed his soul, and it tried so hard to tell me something. His dark hair hang light and airy around his smooth shaped face.
I listened.

“I'm so sorry.” He meant it. I think I already had forgiven him by then.

He tried a little I-know-I-don't-deserve-it smile. Yeah, I had.
“It's okay.” I said. His relief was so clear that I couldn't help myself from laugh. At first, it looked like he was deciding on some point, and then he started to laugh to.
I could feel his arm under me and got worried.
“Oh, by the way, do you want you arm back now?” I where still laughing.
“No thanks.” He said, laughing also. His answer surprised me. I had already lift my hips so that he could pull his arm back, but I slowly lay down again.

And then I remembered.

“But you wanted to say a weird thing, not a bad. Or was that your definition of weird?” I asked him.

“Well, I were just thinking about that part” He murmured comfortable near my ear. I could almost feel his warm breath, I shivered. He misunderstood the reason why I did that.

“Do you wanna borrow my jacket? It's in my bag.” He asked me with real concerned meanwhile he nodded to his leather rucksack lying beside us in the grass. I just shaken my head as answer, because I wasn't could at all, at fact, almost the opposite.

“Well, let's stop get things in our way then.” He laughed, knowing that I couldn't possible have any idea what he were talking about.

“I'm glad that we asked you this time, and not anyone else.” He were still smiling a safe warm grin.

It did all make sens to me... it was just that, he smiled. That didn't seem right. Ofcourse it were better that they asked me than any other person, it didn't matter if I got hurt or not, I was nobody. But- he smiled like that was a good thing. And there are very few persons in this world that would make to offend someone this cruel and still smile. And a warm, nice smile on top of it all!

“You're a really special girl, Maija.” He laughed, still looking at me with a wondered look in his beautiful face. Great, like I didn't already knew that. I'm weird, not normal, and I would really like to be normal, but no, I just has to be weird. Were he going to explain why they took me as they new victim for their “game” this time? Couldn't god have saved me this details?

“I guess so..” I answered with an unenthusiastic voice, I had looked up in the sky again.
“Oh, Maija I don't mean special as freak-special. You are unique, outstanding.” Marc explained with an sorry and happy expression, petting. I just glared at him, obviously I were wrong about the fooling part, there were no way he actually meant that.
“Outstanding as the Ugly Duckling” I laughed to joke it away, couldn't he please leave my weirdness alone?

But, now was it Marc's time to stare.
“What? Haha, no! Maija, you're not at all like everybody else, it's like... whole my life, I have been walking around in my one world. Sure, I have been with friends and done a lot of things that other wouldn't imagine. I'd have fun, and I have been together with many girls but never felt... satisfied. Well, that sounded weird.” He had been looking down for a moment meanwhile he tried to find the words, and now he glanced up on me to see if I though he was crazy. I wanted him to continue, and I think I understand that, so he continued:

“Okay, it's probably easier to say it like this. I've allways been looking into an endless lake, jetblack as a mirror to a starlit sky. And it have the whole time felt like I were searching for something, and then I discover pretty, twinkling stars shining at the water's surface. They shine like glowing pearls and they gaved me hoped that I didn't had to be alone anymore. But when I step down from the shore in to the crystal clear water, the disturbance from my feet breaking the surface makes the beautiful stars turn and bow themselves. And when I try to catch them I only get dark, cold water trickle from my empty hands.” He sighted heavy and forced him self to continue.

“It's that feeling of searching, a searching of something that never aloud itself to be found, that have made me to play along with Ariel's soring games. It was a way to get my frustration out, and I didn't wanted to see the consequences.” He let his voice fade, and I just lie there in fascination.

The thoughts rumbled trough me; here was the most beautiful, honest, kindest person I ever met and tried to explain himself to me. Why? Everyone did mistakes. Maybe, just as he said, he just wanted to get all emotions out of his system and had to talk to someone, and I'm not saying that I'm not glad that he had chosen me. I've would with joy have been listening to Marc's voice for hours, but somewhere inside me I feared that he only were speaking to my because Sam and Ariel, his real friends, had left. But when I lied there so close to him that I easily could touch his nose with my forehead if I just leaned a little bit closer, I realized my toughs was unfair. He was really opening himself know. And if he were using me, he'd to be really stupid or really brave. Because know were a perfectly moment for me to hurt him if I wanted to. I couldn't understand it all by myself... not yet. There was some detail missing that would maid it all unclear.
As if he had read my toughs, he separated his light wine-red lips and continued.

“But, listen carefully now, because I don't think I can handle to explain this much longer, I'm not blind anymore.

And at first I thought it would hurt, well, it did, I had to realize that I have been messing with many persons feelings you know. But then, when I finally understand why I finally could see again, I barely didn't know what to do.” His talking eyes glowed. I didn't understand. “It was that star, in the lake, my star, the one I've been looking for so long, was there.” He looked at me with a relief and happiness I never seen before.

“It wasn't like I thought it would be, it was so... different to the other stars. All the other stars had lied on the top of the lake. But this star where shining from below, it glowed and sparkled without being aware of it. I couldn't possibly miss it. Even if it had a lump of lake-dirt on top of it,trying to hide itself, I could see it. And then my lake and all the fake stars disappeared. The only thing that was left was my star and a big, weightless atmosphere that surrounded us. And I can't see the other stars anymore.” He paused to breath. “But there was one last thing left to do” he said and maid sure I were still listening to him, like it were very important for him that I at least tried to understand his generalized fairytale. “I hadn't picked the star up yet. Someone else could come and take the star as long as I didn't have it safe in my hands. And I couldn't live with that. Not now, when I finally have find my glowing lake-star.” He gave me a gaze that I felt all way down to my toes. He were searching for a sign from me, kind of confirmation, so I nodded to let him continue. His eyes sighted.

“Maija... don't you understand?” He raised one delicious eyebrow. My brain stood still, understand what? What had this anything to do with me?

“Your the star, god damn it, haven't you notice how all the boys in our class looks at you sens the first day you got here?” He said, laughed at himself of embarrassment when he heard how cliché it sounded, but he got serious very fast again.

“I? They... Look at me? What, no, I'm. I'm no one. I'm ordinary, there are so many, much more special girls. Why me? I... ” My brain stood still. Or, no, it didn't stand still, actually it run so fast that it felt like it was going to explode.
“Maija... Sens I first saw you I have hardly been concentrated at anything else, you have always been in my mind.” I could see the weights lift from his chest as he spoke. “In the beginning. I didn't get it, you were just a annoying girl, I didn't understand why I couldn't get you out of my thoughts.” He almost sounded irritated as he spoke. The shadows in his face get darker and he almost looked a bit like a predator. But he saw that I hauled myself away, and abruptly his face became soft and mysteriously beautiful again. He smiled. “But that was just because I tried so hardly to tug myself away from you. I didn't understand why I felt so strongly for you when I didn't know you at all!” He paused, although he hadn't explained everything. I felt that there were something I had to ask him. I collected as much courage as I had.
“But, why are you glad I'm here then?” I asked carefully, I felt that I trusted him now, but I still didn't understand.

“Schh... not so fast.” His eyes quip and shined trough his dark eyelashes, and he took his free hand and put his forefinger on top of my lips so I couldn't speak.

“I gave up.” He said easily. “I'm struggling back anymore.” He smiled wide, beautiful and warm.

“Against what?” I wondered.

“Against being with you. I have tried so hard, and I can't stand it anymore.” He murmured. The lukewarm wind blew up from his back and tousled his lustrous red-black hair forward, almost in front of his eyes so that I only could see a flash of his eyes glimmering trough his bang. He were still smiling. Suddenly he giggled deeply and rolled over on the elbow he had under me. He had took his other hand that lied softly on my lips and slowly, slowly let it slide along the top ow my lips to the corner of my mouth. Then he continued to drag it along all the small curves and lines in my face; my cheekbones, past the corner of my eyes, up my forehead and finally he let it stroke in to my hair and stopped there. I exhaled fast and deep, but tried to be as quite as possible. I almost couldn't believe it. I could feel him everywhere, his scent in my nose and mind, his beautiful face and body on top of me, and the line that he had created, still burning and freezing my skin. I shivered again. His eyes were on fire, but his body were not as warm as I had imagined it. It felt wonderful. His lips were less than a inch from mine, his breath that slide out between them were sweet and teasing.

He dragged out his arm from beneath me without problem, even if I didn't realized that he did, and I didn't left my body from the ground till after he had already done it.
He put his, now free, other elbow on the ground. His body went more strait, and his cool hand touched my hot neck. I looked in to his eyes, and between my plants I said;

“You know what?” I smiled.

“No, do you wanna tell me?” I could almost not see his mouth smile, because it were so near. But I could see his eyes smile, and it filled my with tingle at the places that he touched me.
“I'm glad you gave up.” I waited for him to say something but instead his smile fade away and his face became very serious. His eyes nailed me and I were dazzled. Incapable to move.

He took the hand that rested at my neck and hold my jaw in a gentle grip so that I was forced to face him tough I already did that, without a thought of stop doing it. Slowly leaned himself forward.

I didn't think anymore. In the same moment as his lips meat mine I closed my eyelids and let everything wash over me like a hot shower. My instincts took control over my arms and my hands went from his hips up against the sides of his over body, underneath his t-shirt, one slide up at his back and stayed there meanwhile the other one continued, not stopping until it reached his light untidy hair. I drag him closer to me, wanted him to stop protecting me from his weight and let me feel him. I pushed my lips to harder to his gentle, cosy ones.

A bit more carefully I let my tongue's apex slide in between his lips. He shrugged and without warning he lifted his head away from mine, and in horror I tried to follow. What did I do now? I didn't want him to go away.

He exhaled fast in and out. And in the same time breathless.

“You - are - crazie” he panted. I felt a stone start growing in my chest, and slowly loosened my hands from his hair, even if he still had his in mine. But then he came a little closer to me again.

“If you does like that again...” He almost smiled now. “I... can't behave.” He started to laugh. The most beautiful smile you can imagine. I sighted when I understood.

“So, I weren't doing anything wrong?” I asked in relief. His eyes widened. And he laughed even more.
“Ah, silly little girl.” he said. “You can't possibly know.” And together with the melting stone in my chest, a warm happy feeling spread itself.
“Okay, I will try to do my best. I promise” I said truthfully. He leaned forward again, but not straight, but on the side of my head to my ear. He sniffled at my neck and in my hair.

“Kissing is on your own risk.” he warned me with a tickling murmur to the hollow of my neck. Then he looked up again and we both smile. The warm feeling had reach almost my whole body know, there was only one place left. He leaned up and kissed my forehead, nose and as final, my mouth.

Ta chanser!

”En sak som är viktig att komma ihåg är att vid vilken tidpunkt som helst vara beredd att ge upp vad som är för att du har möjlighet att bli”

-Okänd

Livet går ut på förändring. Som den naturvetenskapliga elev jag är, tänker jag på att ända sedan den första organismen kom till jorden har i stort sett allting gått ut på att ändra sig till det bättre. Ändå har vi en underlig önskan att allt ska stanna som det är, och inte utvecklas till något annat, förändras eller ta slut. Varför?

Citatet ovan går att tolka på många sätt. Men jag ser det som en uppmaning om att ta de chanser som kommer, även fast man inte vet säkert om det kommer få en lyckad utgång eller inte.

Många skulle nog säga att de inte vill att saker ska förändras för att situationen de befinner sig i redan är bra, och det är inte värt att ta risken att förlora det, för att vinna något nytt som kanske inte var så bra som de trodde. Alltså värderar dem det säkra framför det osäkra, även fast det innebär att de har något sämre än vad de skulle kunna ha... Men vi behöver ju inte nödvändigtvis låta oss handlöst följa med och låta förändringen ”hända” oss, om man är beredd på den, och vill den, kan man utnyttja den till sin fördel!

Låt oss som exempel säga att du befinner dig i ett förhållande. Du älskar din partner, fastän det ni har haft lite dålig kontakt på sista tiden. Men så lär du känna en ny person som är underbar, trevlig och du blir kär. Du är nästan säker på att den personen gillar dig tillbaka så nu står du inför ett val. Ta chansen, som kan innebära ett nytt härligt förhållande, eller inte ta den, och på så vis fortfarande ha det ganska bra med din nuvarande partner i hopp om att det kan bli bättre igen, trots allt älskar du denne fortfarande. Samtidigt kan det ju hända att du blir avvisad av den nya personen och det slutar med att du står helt ensam.

Det finns såklart många aspekter som spelar in, till exempel förhållandets längd, den sociala omgivningen, och så vidare. Men om man ska se det ur en helt filosofisk synvinkel så får vi utgå ifrån vad du, alltså huvudpersonen, får ut av valet. Om du tar chansen, så räknar vi med att ett av händelseförloppen är att du blir ihop med denna nya person och det var alltså den lyckligaste utgången, eftersom du slipper ifrån det halvbra förhållandet och vinner ett lyckligt. Men det är grunden till hela argumentationen så vi får utgå från att det är det man helst vill och inte gå in vidare på det. Utan vi tittar istället på ”The worst case senario” som du försöker undvika genom att gör val nummer ett, att stanna hos din partner. Det skulle i detta fall vara att du mister både din före detta partner och nyfunna kärlek. Och då förstår man ju att de försiktigare väljer att inte göra någonting.

Men nu säger vi istället att du inte tar chansen, och fortsätter att leva som du alltid har gjort. Chanser finns inte för alltid, och personen du gillade lever vidare utan dig, kanske skaffar ett annat förhållande. När du valde såg du risken att bli ensam så överhängande att du valde att garanterat inte bli det, men tänk om det inte bara handlade om att inte bli ensam, utan kanske hade du varit mycket lyckligare med den här personen, och nu får du aldrig veta. För det är ju ofta så, att det vi ångrar mest är de sakerna vi aldrig gjorde.

Ett annat starkt argument är att om man aldrig vågar testa så har du själv sett till att inte ge dig möjligheten till lika många chanser, på så vis att varje gång du tar en chans, har du vunnit en möjlighet att bli lycklig. Så även fast ett tillfälle kan vara riskfyllt så är dina framtidsutsikter att bli lycklig i stort sett oändliga om du tar alla chanser du får. För varje försök har du ungefär lika stor chans att uppnå det du vill, och ju fler risker och tillfällen du tar i akt ju större blir din värld av uppnådda mål. Det får dig att tro mer på dig själv och på så vis vågar du ta fler chanser. Allt slutar i en lycklig spiral. Våga riskera att hoppa ut i det okända, för du kan alltid försöka igen, ända tills du lyckas.

Självklart får man bedöma chanserna och riskerna. Om du till exempel har en chans att vinna 10 miljoner om du pantsätter ditt hus, är det oftast inget smart val att ta risken. Men då får man tänka på varje människas sunda förnuft. Risker där du har spelproblem eller befinner dig i en extrem situation är ingår inte riktigt i det här sammanhanget, för nu utgår vi ifrån att du ska lämna något gammalt bakom dig för att bygga upp något nytt. Så länge den värsta utgången av valet inte är förödande för ditt liv, utan öppnar för nya vägar, är de värda att ta, eftersom sannolikheten att du blir någon gång väljer rätt ökar.

Chansningar är rent ut av underbara och gör livet värt att leva, eftersom det är dem som gör att vi kan förändras. Jag föreställer mig mitt liv om jag hade försökt behålla mitt liv som det är och aldrig vågat utnyttja tillfällen och byta ut något gammalt för att finna något nytt. Det hade inte bara varit tråkigt, utan rent av deprimerande. I dagens samhälle lever vi mycket för upplevelser och njutning, om man då avsäger sina möjligheter att få vara med om nya saker minskar man sin egen lycka.

Man kan inte heller ignorera valen i ens liv. Som Jean-Paul Sartre skrev i Existentialismen är en humanism att människan är dömd till frihet, i och med att vi hela tiden måste göra våra val själva. Tack och lov för det! När du har levt hela ditt liv, så vet du i alla fall att det är DU som har levt det, och ingen annan. Visst kan det vara jobbigt att tänka på allt som varit negativt eller inte blivit av har varit ditt fel, men då har allt bra som har hänt också varit tack vare dig.

Det är därför man ska ta val, för att visa för sig själva att man lever. För att öka sina chanser till lycka. För att du aldrig ska ångra det du aldrig gjorde.

Nikki Schmidt

Vad gör ett konstverk vackert?  
Av Nikki Schmidt

Texten handlar om fyra filosofers teorier om vad som är skönt. Den inleds med Platons tankar om att skönheten inte finns i ett föremål, utan de bara är påminnelser om den ultimata skönheten, kärleken. Han ser kärleken som en strävan efter skönhet, och tycker att man borde leva med efter kärleken. Nästa filosof är Aristoteles, som tycker att skönhet är något som är lagom. Varken för stort eller för litet. Detta är han inte ensam om, då Edgar Allan Poe ansåg att det bästa formatet på en dikt var hundra rader, med en början, mitten och slut. Lagom proportioner är skönt enligt de båda.

Här måsta jag avbryta min sammanfattning med en tanke. I svenska A fick vi lära oss om prosor och andra gamla texter. De var alla uppbyggda efter speciella bestämda mönster, relationer mellan storlekar och nummer. Ett bra exempel är den gudomliga komedin som är uppbyggd i tre delar, med 33 verser i varje och allt resulterar i att det ska slutligen hamna på 99, sedan han avslutar med en sista vers och kommer upp i det ”sköna” hundra. Han måste ju ha gjort detta på grund av att han någonstans fann skönhet i det. Skriften är ett konstverk och jag tycker att definitionen på ett konstverk är att det på något vis alltid är skön, även om inte på det sätt som dessa filosofer tyckte. Möjligtvis Kant.

Kant menar att skönhet är ett subjekt. Den är inte god, som moral eller sann, som vetenskap. Den bara är, och väcker lust hos betraktaren. Då kan man ju tro att skönheten ändå är ett bestämt föremål, men den behöver inte existera beroende på vem som iakttar föremålet som för vissa innehar skönheten. Eftersom Kant tror att skönheten är något som existerar mellan medvetandet och föremålet. Enligt honom kan skönhet också finnas i en fantastisk idé, en skickligt utförd handling eller något annat tankeväckande. Han tänker också på att eftersom många har en gemensam smak för skönhet, kan det finnas en universell skönhet.

Vad i ett konstverk är det då som är vackert? Precis som Aristoteles resonerade, om att skönhet är ett viss harmoniskt avstånd mellan delar i ett konstverk som inte kan rubbas utan att förstöra det sköna, tror jag att vi skapar sköna saker genom att följa vår inre lust och sätter saker där det ger oss tillfredsställelse. Jag målar ofta själv och det händer att ett streck, eller en felplacerad kroppsdel förstör det sköna med bilden. Samtidigt kan jag känna den känslan av fascination och skönhet när jag kollar på ett brutalt konstverk. Saker är förstora, missplacerade och hemska. Ändå måste de ha någon sorts harmoni mellan sig för att kunna vara vackra. Jag tror alltså att det är en fråga om harmoni mellan alla delar i verket.

Är då skönhet något som finns i ett föremål eller i betraktaren? Som Kant säger så tror jag att det sköna är något som uppstår i kommunikationen mellan medvetandet och föremålet. Samtidigt blir det lite motsägelsefullt eftersom det finns en sorts gemensam smak till stor del, så tror jag också att det inte bara säger något om betraktaren i sig utan lite vad människor anser som vackert. Skönheten är så abstrakt att man kanske till och med kan kalla det en illusion. Jag menar, tycker djur och människor att samma saker är vackra? Jag tror inte det, alltså finns det inte en bestämd skönhet. Kanske den som finner skönhet i ett ting kan påstå ”Här är ett bevis på skönhet; titta, precis här finns det!” Men om då en annan person söker skönheten där den förste påpekar att den finns, och inte finner den, finns den då? Samtidigt måste skönhet existera, eftersom vi ibland känner av den. En illusion är ju ändå något som finns, om så bara för en stund och i vårt medvetande. Men det finns. Så jag tycker Kants teori är en rimlig definition; Att skönheten finns i kontakten mellan medvetandet och tinget.

Fabeln av Ebbe Linde är som sagt intressant, och i stora drag handlar den, som jag ser det, om en man som vill bära med sig det vackraste i världen alltid. Därför sorterar han bort det han tycker är mindre vackert tills han når till det ”ultimata vackra”. Men eftersom helheten är en stor del av det vackra, precis som Aristoteles tänkte, så berövar man det sköna genom att försöka koncentrera det. Ibland finns ju skönheten, enligt Kant, i något tankeväckande, insiktfullt eller skickligt gjort. Om man då som i fabeln väljer ut det vackraste av allt i själva skapelsen så är det mycket stor risk att man berövar den dess tanke, poäng eller fångande. Alltså försvinner skönheten, och den menar att bara en dåre tror att man kan ta med sig skönhet.

Kants teori om tankeväckande skönhet, motsägs av teorin om att skönhet finns utan mening, att den endast väcker lust utan mål. Skönheten är varken sant eller gott, det bara är. Vi behöver inte äga det, själv kunna skapa för att kunna njuta av det. Lusten som väcks leder tillbaka till Platons teori om skönheten själv som är kärleken. Jag tänker att det kan vara det mest tillfredställande sättet att leva, att söka skönhet. Men eftersom skönheten på sätt och vis kan lura oss, genom att för vissa inte existera, kan det uppstå konflikter och hemska känslor på grund av detta. En sanning som verkligen är en sanning är detsamma för alla, och det kan vara lättare att bygga sitt liv och vårt samhälle på än något som så enkelt kan förändras som skönhet. På samma sätt som jag inte tycker att det är klokt att söka efter skönhet, är det lika meningslöst att söka efter mening i skönheten. Eftersom den bara existerar inom dig måste du i sådana fall söka inom dig själv. Däremot tror jag att skönhet, ofta i form av konstverk, på så vis kan få oss att inse saker om oss själva.

Så kanske är skönhet det som vi upplever som något som gör oss rikare som person, en känsla på hur vi känner oss av något fascinerande, vackert eller en bra handling?